A Slightly Less Modest Proposal
I recently discovered that I was in the wrong field of study. I don’t really deserve to be given a Master’s degree in education. I should instead be conferred with a certificate indicative of my true talents: A Master of Bullshit (an M. BS. if you will). I must admit to being shocked that I have never seen this offered up as an option for a course of study as it would be of undoubted use to anybody intending to pursue a career in any field within the civilized world. We live in a society which values perception over reality, mental construct over physical product, and in which personal opinion oftentimes trumps reasoned and well-supported logical thought. In this world of such noble and intellectual values I hold up for the general approval the professional study of the production of bullshit.
Now, I do think that it is important that we define our terms before we just go about willy-nilly raving about the concept. I prefer to think of bullshit as being a thought (or, more often a series of them) which sounds good and looks great on paper but which has been designed simply to conform to the expected ideals of society rather than to any logical method of consideration. At first blush it may be that this definition comes across with a negative impression. I caution strongly against that emotion in this case. Look at our world. Look at all that we have accomplished in the arts and sciences and in the manner in which we run our cities, states, and our federal government. These all rely heavily from time to time on pure, unadulterated bullshit.
One could argue that, for our politicians especially, operating in this manner could be called irresponsible and backwards but I disagree. If we, the people being governed, were unaware of this state of affairs it could then be safely condemned. However, it is far from arcane or occult knowledge that our government operates largely on this principle as does our financial system and our academic sphere. It is obvious that we, the people of the United States and the world at large, condone this practice and accept it as being the appropriate standard of operation. We have come far using it and we will continue to move even farther in the future if we stick to our guns and get organized. That is why I propose to incorporate into all major universities the formal study of bullshit production for the benefit of society.
Heretofore, we have relied upon rank, albeit gifted, amateurs to produce our bullshit and, with it, run society. I am appalled at this. We need professionals who understand the intricacies of modern societal bullshit who can produce it for the common consumption to appease the masses. I say that we make it a requirement that, at the very least, any professional in the public sphere or whose work affects the public in general should posses a bachelor’s degree in bullshitting. Just think about how far we could go as a people if we take up this field of study and begin producing real, honest-to-god bullshit artists. Just think of the advances in art, science, and the political world that we could be told about! Furthermore, it is my contention that only a generation after these professionals come into their own and take the reins of society we will see the dawning of a new world.
No longer will the common man or woman need to filter out the bullshit in the news every day or in their everyday interactions with other people. Rather, the bullshit produced by those who have mastered the science that it will become will sound so genuine and look so real on paper that it will be regarded as being actual truth and fact. Here’s the genius of my plan. If we, as a people, decide to believe wholeheartedly what’s given to us by our leaders then it will, for all intents and purposes become fact! Now, that may be nearly impossible to do in our current, practically Neolithic, state of being in terms of the study of bullshit but, with a little organized study and some real dedication on the part of our children, we can achieve this perfect society. We will be released from the need to look for hidden meaning in the words of our leaders, authors, poets, and friends. We will be released from doubts as to the veracity of any newly published academic study. We will be released from the drudgery of such mundane thought entirely! We can accept instantly as true and honest fact everything that is presented to us every day.
Think also of the benefits for international relations! Imagine the day when all countries may believe so assuredly in the quality of the bullshit that they’re fed that they have no reason to be suspicious. Our leaders can embark on a new age of goodwill and trust between nations. So many wars have been the result of insecurity or lack of trust. I think that we can safely see this as being the age of peace between people on all scales. And, if it’s not, all that we need to do is trust in our leaders to tell us that it is and we can rest assured in knowing that we will instantly understand that everything is alright and that the world will soon find its proper shape.
The pure honesty of that condition makes me weep with joy at the prospect. I long for the day that I can address my friends, neighbors, and even perfect strangers and, given my expertise, be taken at my word instantly as well as return that favor in kind. Even perhaps those with only a basic high school level of understanding of bullshit can be taken at their word. I’m fed up with all of this mistrust in society. I’m fed up with all of this “looking for the hidden meaning” or “searching for the truth.” Why can’t we all just get along and believe what we are told? With a formal study of the art of bullshit we can do exactly that. We can usher in a new era of peace and prosperity in which nobody ever need think twice about intentions or perception. We can spend the hours upon hours of free time in whatever manner of personal pursuit we want. We can spend hours more watching our favorite television programs or playing our favorite video games! We can spend whole days in total leisure relaxing by the beach with umbrella-laden drinks served in coconuts. We will surely enter the new golden age of humanity. A time free from worry, strife, and suspicion.
I call upon all people everywhere to join me in this cause. I call upon all people to write to their congressmen, to tell their school boards, and to demand of their universities that we begin this process. We must embark now upon the road to happiness! Let nothing stand in our way and don’t believe that crap that they feed you in response. Demand REAL bullshit from our leaders and, when they can’t deliver, tell them that you know the way. Tell them how to achieve our new, more perfect society. We the people demand this freedom as one of our inalienable rights! America must continue to lead the way in this as it has for generations. We must stand together and require the keys to perfect happiness for all human kind!