Do You Feel The Spirit of Christmas?

My wish is….the whole year could wait, at least let me have something accomplished first!

It seems the harder that I tried to won back over the wasted years….the more hibernated I become.

My years as a youth…I have the most ungrateful christmas, well…at least that’s not the loneliest I could say. But one thing I commonly regret is, letting my life pass by when I don’t have the best during the moment. WRONG!!!

Like they said, ” you can look back in time….but you can’t go back.

One thing I see whenever I look back…is “emptiness.” A Nothingness. And it’s painful.

I felt the saying, ” When you stop learning you stop growing….when you stop growing, you start dying.”

I tried to convince myself that love should be the first prior whatever the situation and wherever you are….when you have that…that’s everything. And that is worth reminiscing for.

The happiest person I know said, ” I don’t have the best of everything..but I have enough.

Because the best people doesn’t have the best of everything…they make the best out of everything.

The last happy christmas I ever had was from the day I was born until I was 13 years old….

Regardless that we are the only Catholic nation in the far east, but we are one of the happiest people on the planet, Christmas is always the most awaited time of the year.”

Its the most boisterous conviviality event in every town.

The festivities, religious parade etc etc.

I had experienced the most joyous period of life that every child should have, everything…

I had enough loyal friends, whom I love to play with…..

from joining the church choir, caroling with best friends, mingling with the people in the community…hanging out with my first love-best friend made me happy everyday…we go home together, share snacks, stories… girl scouts..nothing can compare those 6 years.

“Ah, when the person you long to see, is longing for you…too. Wow. Inexplicable.

I remember that feeling…

All I can say is, I was living everyday!

I know we will always have a place for our first loves, even though time will find us somebody new.

At christmas party in school, we always had the best party ever.

Everybody loved to participate…everybody’s happy. It was full of funny games, we dressed the best wardrobe…and exchanging gifts!

And the most memorable was the songs we sing!

“The best moment when you feel you belong…is when you sing with the people you can’t live without.”

I remember my music teacher….who strictly taught us how to read notes! I never could’ve imagine that my mind could comprehend the complexities of reading them.

It was the newest silly feeling I could ever felt. A strange process of learning…

Those are the taunting years that I could look back and says, ” One thing I hate in life the most is growing up.”

All these years as an adult…..I can’t believe myself saying, ” I hate christmas, I wish its over!”…Upon hearing myself, I thought I have become what I always hated.

But deep down…theres no deep down really. I’m just being stubborn to accept my fate.

I will always feel the spirit of christmas….no matter how I dreaded it.

I am a tough girl….but when I cry, I couldn’t stop crying.

When I heard a christmas song…..I feel like dying.

Specially, when I heard Michael Jacksons ” Give Love On Christmas Day.” My happy memories in my childhood pains me to think. That song used to be my favorite….

I couldn’t stand to put it on my mac or any songs related to christmas.

“The years that I’ve wasted is nothing to the tears that I’ve tasted.”

In my youth….I was force into an arrange marriage…I was betroth at 16, but before that I was suffering depression at 13… imagine, going through levels of hell!

For the record, I may have won the fight for my rebellious opposition of the marriage….nothing change my bitter heart.

I’m estrange to my inner being. Because….I couldn’t still recover that’ its over. The ordeal is over….but i’m still drowning from the thoughts of them.

Since then, every christmas time….while people are busy, I lay mostly on my bed.

Now, its who I am… Whatever ness. Idleness.

But at least…sometimes I could still feel myself breathing, perhaps that would mean I’m still capable.

Though every morning seems a struggle…throughout the day the best I could do is just get through the day…but in spite of this, I’m going to try my effortless effort to change things the way I want them to.

So, may the god’s grace remind me.

And say, Amen!