How to Become a Bigot

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First of all, this little “tutorial” is not going to work if you are a strong, independent thinker, who is able to view facts rationally, instead of through a lens of your neuroses and insecurities. If all of your opinions and ideas come about as a result of having heard them from somebody else first, or if you live in a small-town or inner-city neighborhood, have never experienced any place else, and are perfectly happy in your ignorance, then you probably are not the thoughtful, rational type, and this article is definitely for you. So, if by some chance you are not a paranoid segregationist already, just keep reading.

In addition to not bothering to think as an individual you will want to be able to transfer your own bitterness and unhappiness with your life to other people. You will have to stop thinking rationally and let your emotions and bitterness direct your life. You have to do away with all introspection. If in a moment of weakness you catch yourself doing any kind of honest self-examination, you have to push it away and focus only on the important things: deporting or lynching or murdering or converting the people you hate.

You need to put away all books, DVDs and TV shows that do not conform to your world-view lest you are tempted to abandon it. You need to move into a community that has none of the people you hate in it, or if they are there, they are kept separate from the decent people, your people. In such a community you will be able to fly emblems of your hatred and speak your mind without having to worry about one of them doing something about it.

You need to sit around reading and finding ways to make everything wrong with society the fault of the people you hate. If your prejudice has a religious basis then this is easy, you just say “God is punishing us” by surrounding us with “them”. If it’s not religious then you might need to acquire a little political knowledge, a slight grasp of political jargon so as to give your arguments a veneer of intelligence.

Them

There will be ones who don’t conform to your stereotype. You need to pretend that these do not exist. If pressed you can come up with an exception-that-proves-the-rule type of reason, but you should try to steer clear of any arguments involving non-stereotypes as they tend to undermine everything. You will want to avoid thinking too hard about them even when not arguing, or doubt might enter in. When arguing with non-bigots you need to find the worst possible stereotype, and the statistics that have been skewed the furthest in your direction. Keep quoting these statistics over and over again until the argument gets heated and emotional and they give up on trying to make thoughtful points. In this way you will prove nothing and will make no converts, however, you will show them that you are willing to stand up for your race, or sexual preference, or community, or religion even in the face of reason, thus making their intellectual efforts futile. The big problem with this is that you have to wear your opinions on your sleeve, opinions that are not looked on kindly in many places. If this bothers you you may want to take another path. See below.

Another way to deal with the people you hate is to become a closet (or stealth) bigot. This is where you openly condemn bigotry and bigots, but still cling to the views. In order to pull this off you should ideally have a token, which is a person from the hated demographic that you can use as an alibi. Somebody who will vouch for your open-mindedness. Once you have a token (preferably somebody you have leverage with), you can proceed to be discriminatory and offensive, confident that nobody can accuse you of prejudice and have it stick. If you don’t want to bother with the token route, you will want to display an exaggerated friendliness with all minorities you meet. Smile at them and discuss topics you think will be of interest to them, whether these things are appropriate in the context of your relationship or not. For instance, you may want to discuss basketball, fashion, ice-hockey, or learning Spanish. While this will not get them to like you, you can now claim to have “reached out” to them. Any bad things that happen now are their fault. This closet-bigot method is preferable while there is still a stigma attached to prejudice.

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