Fa La La La La! The holidays are here again. At least I won’t have the root canal on x-mas eve like I did last year. I’ll actually be able to enjoy the bird. Oh wait….my mother’s cookin’ it this year. I love my mother to pieces but that woman could burn jello. I have a cast iron stomach from all the tar-like substances I’ve been fed as a child. You need roughage? Come over my parents house and you’ll be pickin’ up your colon off the linoleum – and that’s just breakfast – by dinner you’ll be begging the angel of death to “make it quick”. Thank God they finally came up with that little knob in the turkey that goes “boop” when it’s done – I like to think that at least I’ve got a “boop” of a chance at surviving the salmonella.
I think this is gonna be the year that my nieces finally realize there’s no Santa. Last year we just squeaked it by them. They were starting to get suspicious but then a stroke of luck – on the way home from Midnight Mass we saw a guy walking down the road in a Santa Suit so we stopped to say Hello and show the girls that he really was real since he was caught coming out of a house. Let me tell you, girlfriend, that Santa was so lit on bourbon he could’ve juiced up the sleigh with about a thousand volts. He leans in the car window with some wet, sticky candy canes he probably just dug out of the bottom of his boot and hiccupped what was supposed to be, I imagine, a “Ho! Ho!” But came out like a “Hup! Burp! Pfpt. Sputter…” So the girls are squealing out, “Santa! Where’s your sleigh?” “Oh, uh, it’s back in the woods there with my eight reindeer.” With that, like perfect timing we hear a gun shot. “Whup, make that seven reindeer. Looks like Mrs. Claus is making Venison Burgers tonight.” What the..? Their eyes were stuck open all night long like ping-pong balls on acid. My God! Another innocent holiday shot to hell. This year I think instead of cookies they’ll be leaving vegetarian cookbooks and brochures for AA.
We are right now in the middle of a snowstorm. I can’t believe I just drove in it and at such an ungodly hour. I figured I’d get up and get here early to beat the traffic but I had no idea my tires were that bald or the snow was that bad. I think I will personally re-name this stretch of road as “Satan’s Wild Sleigh-ride to Hell” because let me tell ya’ that was no picnic this morning. I had a kung-fu grip on the steering wheel going up a hill that had a delightful hairpin turn on it halfway up with 3 cars on my bumper and my tires spinning. I was going up inches at a time of what felt like Mt. Everest, cursing and praying at the same time. When it comes down – cookies to cookies – I just start going down the list of Saints to beg while cursing like a sailor at the car. An odd mixture perhaps but the only alternative is to take it out on someone you love – like your husband, and he wasn’t there at the time. You know, I lived in Buffalo, NY for 6 years and we had to walk underground in tunnels due to all the snow. When I finally graduated college I made a bee-line for the South on the back of some guy’s motorcycle and when it broke down in Florida I just got off, spread my arms out and said, “Home” and thawed out for a few years. Well, I will admit that the snow is pretty – just from indoors when you’re not in it. It’s still a great time of year I suppose… makes everything more festive. Have a happy holiday everyone.