Willie The Wise: Vegetarians & Wrestling

SLUTTY

Dear Willie,

The wife refuses to wear stockings and a grater belt as she claims they are slutty. How can I convince her that this kind of thing is only mildly kinky and she should indulge me.

Bobby, Wisconsin

Dear Bobby,

I had the same problem with my Sadie at one time. I just couldn’t get her out of her

bland pantyhose and into something a wee bit more arousing. “But tights are more comfortable,” she would moan to me. I resolved this situation like any mature,

intelligent man by intense sulking.

Willie

VEGGIE

Dear Willie,

Help! My wife has become a vegetarian and won’t even touch meat, never mind cook it for my dinner. I haven’t seen a pork chop or bit of steak for weeks and am fading away to a mountain. How can I get her back to normal?

Raymond, Dusseldorf

Dear Raymond,

In dealing with veggies you have to be devious. If she’s turned that way because she

loves animals so much she refuses to eat them, ask her why she hates vegetables wi’ such a vengeance. Alternatively, turn her own logic on its head. She’s probably always doing veggie versions of real food so if she’s been palming you off with soya mince, volunteer to do the cooking and give her beef olives.

Willie

SMOKING

Dear Willie,

I’ve been smoking 20 a day for 30 years and just can’t stop. I’ve tried everything, patches, gum, the lot and I was even a dartboard for an acupuncturist for a while. At one point I was so desperate I asked my pal Big Charlie to thump me if he ever saw me with a cigarette. He cracked my jaw on the left side but I still managed to inhale through the right side of my mouth. How do I stop?

Darren, Cardiff

Dear Darren,

The only guaranteed way to stop smoking is to seal up every orifice in yer body using industrial strength super glue. This will ensure that you have nowhere to stick yer cigarette. It will also ensure that you are dead, due to lack of oxygen, but this is a small price to pay to become a non-smoker.

Willie

WRESTLING

Dear Willie,

My grandmother is considering becoming a professional wrestler and is having difficulty in deciding what to take as her ‘stage’ name.  She was fond of Crusher Brannigan for a while, but has recently began to favour Deathlock Davies or Nutcracker Nelligan.  Her actual name is Felicity.  She is a big fan of yours and would appreciate any help you could give.  Tickets for ringside seats for her debut are on offer if you can come up with anything.

Hector Shitkucker, Arizona

Dear Hector,

I am no great fan of professional wrestling as the acting is often below the standard of even the most mediocre daytime soap opera.  The offer of ringside seats is therefore immaterial.  However I would like to help old Felicity in her ambitions and think Knitting Nancy or Baking Betty would be more appropriate.

Willie

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