Willie's Wisdom: Assassination & The Best Lovers



Dear Willie,

I have private health insurance with an international company, but they are refusing to assassinate my wife.  Her constant nagging gives me a headache and as far as I am concerned that is a medical matter that they should deal with.  Do you think I should take legal action to make them face up to their responsibilities.

Neil, BC

Dear Neil,

No, no, lad, for God’s sake have a sense of proportion, you mustn’t be having the poor woman assassinated.  Either buy a pair of ear plugs or use the time honoured Scottish method of dealing with a nagging wife, tell her to ‘Shut her face!’



Dear Willie,

My friends and I were discussing which nationality of men make the best lovers.  Rosetta said her Luigi was the tops, but Gitte claimed her man, Christian was amazing.  With this level of national pride we were obviously never going to get a consensus.  The only way to get an unbiased opinion was going to be ask somebody who has no national loyalties, but such a woman doesn’t exist.  It was my friend, Rosemary, who suggested that I consult you, as she has been a great fan of yours and respects your immense wisdom.  So, Willie, which men make the best lovers?

Rita, NY

Dear Rita,

Strictly speaking, the Japanese make the best lovers.  They are made of plastic and run on batteries, but are not very good conversationalists.  Following them are the Scots, and this does not display national pride on my part, but an acceptance of reality as I personally know many of these chaps.  The legendary Kinky MacDoohan could get a woman pregnant through a brick wall; Hugh Jorgen could give a woman an orgasm just by looking at her and Mungo MacDonut could woo a woman without moving his lips.  Show me another nation that could boast such heroes?



Dear Willie,

What would you say is the best way to tell my son, Sam, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist?  Obviously I don’t want to hurt him or cause any trauma, but I think the time has finally come when he should know the truth.  He always looks forward to Christmas and it is a joy to see his adorable little face as he writes his Christmas present list to be posted up the chimney, but both his father and I think that it is time he abandoned these childish fantasies.  Sam is 43.

Jill, York

Dear Jill,

It is always more traumatic for the parents than the child to face the truth.  Sam knows that Santa Claus exists because he is brought presents by him every year.  It is of no use telling him that you yourselves supply these presents, as he knows that you are both miserable and mean-spirited people who wouldn’t buy him the X-Box when he asked for it.  But, suddenly, come Christmas and his request to Santa, the X-Box suddenly appears.  Ipso facto, Santa exists.  Live with it.


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