Willie's Wisdom: Names & Wind


Dear Willie,

We have recently moved to Seattle in the USA from India as my husband is a software engineer.  My problem is that I cannot convince my children to remember their heritage by eating our traditional curries.  Instead, they prefer to eat hamburgers and pizzas and suchlike with their American friends.  What can I do?

Mrs Pritam Rai, Seattle

Dear Mrs Rai,

That’s no problem at all, if ye follow my advice.  Just take your hamburgers and whatever and stick them in your curry sauce, buns and all, making a hamburger curry.  I can fair do that fusion.



Dear Willie,

I suffer from terrible wind when I eat certain foods and it causes me considerable embarrassment. People avoid me at work and the neighbours have moved out.  Is there a solution?

Bradley, Nova Scotia

Dear Bradley,

In these green, eco-friendly times you have discovered a form of wind power which can only help to reduce global warming and also save you money.  Simply attach a small wind turbine to the seat of your underpants and use the electricity generated to power your watch.  If your wind power exceeds this you may want to store the excess in a battery.  A large tin of baked beans could help you run an LCD TV.



Dear Willie,

I wish to change my name.  It is currently Arthur, but I have never liked it.  I imagine myself more as a Norman or Reginald.  Which do you think would best suit?

Arthur Smallthing, Yuba City, Ca

Dear Artie,

I would forget about the whole thing and take pride in your name, which has a distinguished past.  I assume you’ve heard of King Arthur, but have you ever heard of King Norman or King Reginald?  Well, actually, there was a King Reg of Turkmenistan, but he was deposed three minutes after ascending the throne due to indigestion.



Dear Willie,

My man has a terrible habit.  When he comes home from the pub after a few beers, he comes up to the bedroom and bites me on the bottom.  This is quite a startling way to be woken up and I’m scared that it could cause me psychological problems.  How can I get him to desist?

Jen, Australia

Dear Jen,

There are, in fact, two ways to resolve this problem.  One is to learn how to sleep face up, though there is the problem of you rolling over whilst asleep.  The other is to have your mother over to stay the night and sleep in your bed without telling your man.


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