You must help me. My husband and I are divorced and now, in my hour of need, my bosoms have deserted me. They were always my pride and joy and were always a source of attraction to my admirers. But now they are drooping and saggy and I fear I shall never find another man. I have tried support bras and would consider plastic surgery only I’m allergic to anaesthetics. What can I possibly do?
Not all men are attracted to large, firm, upstanding, boobies. Some men, in fact, prefer quite flat-chested women. You, therefore, should not worry too much. My prescription for you is not to concentrate on the bodily parts that have failed you, but to seek out another area of attraction. What are your feet like?
We at NASA plan to put a Scotchman into orbit on the International Space Station soon as part of a medical experiment to investigate the effects of over-indulgence in alcohol on a weightless human. For instance, how can you tell if he’s drunk if he can’t fall over? Your name was put forward, but we are looking for the reactions of an average human being, and you are obviously far beyond that. In any case, that is not why I am contacting you. We, naturally, like to make our astronauts as comfortable as possible in the alien environment of space, and so we would request you to ask your wife, Sadie, for her recipe for haggis so that our future jockanaut can enjoy his usual diet.
Prof Von Braun, Washington
My wife, Sadie, says it would be an awful fuss to cook a haggis in a space station and has volunteered to make one for you. But be warned, Sadie’s haggis give you terrible wind and your chap might have to leave the windows open.
My husband has recently read the Kama Sutra and thinks we should indulge in some of the more esoteric sexual positions it recommends. I was okay with the Congress of the Bull and the Congress of the Goat but the Congress of the Snake gives me sore shoulders. Any suggestions?
This is because snakes don’t have shoulders. You would have noticed this if you’d noted that you rarely see a snake wearing a shirt. Luckily Vatsayana, who wrote the oriental filth, had no knowledge of Australiaor we would have been cursed with the Congress of the Kangaroo, which is taking things a hop too far.
I got married recently and my new wife has taken on laundry duties, including ironing. The problem is that she is putting a crease in my jeans. I was led to understand that a crease in your jeans was a secret signal that one was a homosexual.
I have nothing against homosexuals but I am not one and don’t want others thinking I am. Is it a secret signal or am I being paranoid?
It’s no’ much o’ a homsexualist secret if you know about it. However, creases in jeans are not a signal that you are gay but creases in underpants are, and if someone has got you down to your underpants the chances are that you are, at the very least, curious.
Is it true that you can tell the size of a man’s feet by the size of his nose?
This is a common misconception, first promoted by the Hiaquachi Indians of British Columbia who had very large noses but very small feet. Neighbouring tribes believed that large feet equated to large male thingies and The Hiaquachi started this rumour to try and attract mates. It was not greatly successful but kick-started the North American advertising industry.